Call me, DHS

...Don your own mask before assisting your dependent children.

Please note that since you have all been denied carry-on luggage, the overhead storage bins now contain pressurized canisters of pig blood set to disperse their contents violently should the aircraft cabin lose structural integrity. So if any of you ragtard Sons of Mo-Hamster are considering exploding this aircraft, know you'll spend eternity so unclean, no virgin would ever touch you without a 10-foot pole...a pointed ten-foot pole.

We know you have a choice in air travel and we appreciate you flying and not dying with us. Thank you for flying Patriot Airlines.

Update: …tonight’s in-flight movie will be “Carrie,” with Sissy Spacek…

h/t to LC Wes, Imperial Mohel