Cowboy Blob's Saloon and Shootin Gallery

I'm not a real Cowboy, but I play one in the movies.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Hail Britannia

Long before I discovered the Blogosphere, I used to spend a lot of time on Usenet, specifically the newsgroup alt.tasteless.jokes. There, I learned to fisk even before I'd heard of fisking; there are lots of folks in the Anglosphere and as we all know, lots of them don't like America or Americans, at least the ones that don't brown-nose their socialist, self-loathing asses. Here's a blast from my past:

Newsgroups: alt.humor, alt.jokes, alt.tasteless.jokes, rec.humor
Date: 2000/07/26

"Mystacy" wrote in message
news:8ll021$ko9$1@supernews.com...
> HOW TO BECOME AN AMERICAN CITIZEN
>
> 1. Remove a third of your brain.

I'm sorry, sir, we misread your medical chart and removed nine-tenths of
your brain. How do you feel?

"By jove, so you have. Bad form, old man!"

> 2. Lose your sense of irony.

"Jehosaphat! A scoop or two less and I could have been Polish!"

> 3. Increase your mouth size by 200%.

Applies to women only, so they can accomodate American penises.

> 4. Fail to understand British humour.

"Unexploded Scotsman." Hehehe...I get it now!

> 5. When visiting the U.K. Be sure to say the word "Quaint" as often as you
> can. Us Brits REALLY like that, you know.

Only because you think we really know what it means....

> 6. THERE IS NO NUMBER SIX as a true American would have reached the end of
> their attention span by now!

Know any knock-knock jokes?

> 7. Say "Gee, call that a building? They`re ten times as big back home!"

And the plumbing...Geez!

> 8. Don`t produce a decent marmalade.

What do we need marmalade for? That shit's bad for your teeth! What? You
didn't know?

> 9. Surgically implant a voice-box up your anus. That way, you can talk out
> of your arse, 24-7!

With a British accent.

> 10. Assume that everyone in the UK personally knows your descendants. We
> really do know them all.

You mean ancestors, don't you, moron?

> 11. Have absolutely no idea that we`re all laughing at you. Not behind your
> backs, but to your faces, because none of you know the meaning of the phrase
> "taking the piss".

No, it just disturbs us when you laugh, cuz we can see the stubs of yer
teeth....

> 12. Vietnam was a Police Action Conflict. Not a war. Those of you who
> disagree. Vietnam was a war, and not a Police Action Conflict. Anyway, you
> lost. Get over it.

And yer daddy brought a warbride home from the Falklands. She was a
baaa-aad lay, I hear.

> 13. Call all Brits Limeys, as we all live near the limestone cliffs of
> Dover, you know.

Take a long walk on a short cliffside path

> 14. Offend as many people as you can.

Network!

> 15. Bomb a lot of other countries, but not for financial gain, of course.

Yeah, Serbia was soooo lucrative.....

> 16. Have no gun control whatsoever.

We have lots! of gun control. Most of us can hit the 10-ring eight out of
ten times at 15 yards, rapid-fire.

> 17. Remember to take everything on face value... Style will always be more
> important than content

Your style tells me lots about the content of your cranium....

> 18. Make sure that you can always buy a bigger, more expensive, less
> effective mousetrap and only buy it if its called the super ulitma deluxe
> 3000!

Ulitma...that's hungarian right?

> 19. Always insist on driving a car the size of a small farm and forget the
> concept of corners.. Americans don't use them!

Sorry, our streets didn't all start out as donkey paths.

> 20. To be fully accepted in American society. You must have a problem which
> needs counselling. If you don't, you can always sue somebody!!

Lemme talk to my lawyer about that one....

> 21. Remember that to be a true American, you need to be clinically
> overweight.. its patriotic!

I'm sure if we were stuck eating English food, we'd all be Twiggy
lookalikes.

> 22. Wear as many cameras as your thick necks can carry

It hides the guns.

> 24. Go around telling people you hardly know that you love them

It worked on yer Mum during the war....

> 25. Take a perfectly good language and change the spelling of every word and
> make up phrases that make no grammatical sense

And why isn't that "Wourd?"

> 26. Tell everyone Scottish that Scotland is a very pretty part of England.

No, we'd be asking them all what engineering school they attended.

> 27. Be a total fucking arsehole (or asshole to you American fuckwits).
>
Be all that you can be....

--
Until next time, Adios, Amoebas!

-- Cowboy Blob

2 Comments:

  • At 9:06 AM, Blogger GunGeek said…

    My dictionary says that he got #13 wrong- the name Limey came from British sailors using lime juice to prevent scurvy.

     
  • At 9:34 AM, Blogger Cowboy Blob said…

    Yeah, we all know that, but he's saying we're stupid enough to attribute it to the cliffs.

     

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