Hail Britannia
Long before I discovered the Blogosphere, I used to spend a lot of time on Usenet, specifically the newsgroup alt.tasteless.jokes. There, I learned to fisk even before I'd heard of fisking; there are lots of folks in the Anglosphere and as we all know, lots of them don't like America or Americans, at least the ones that don't brown-nose their socialist, self-loathing asses. Here's a blast from my past:
Newsgroups: alt.humor, alt.jokes, alt.tasteless.jokes, rec.humor
Date: 2000/07/26
"Mystacy" wrote in message
news:8ll021$ko9$1@supernews.com...
> HOW TO BECOME AN AMERICAN CITIZEN
>
> 1. Remove a third of your brain.
I'm sorry, sir, we misread your medical chart and removed nine-tenths of
your brain. How do you feel?
"By jove, so you have. Bad form, old man!"
> 2. Lose your sense of irony.
"Jehosaphat! A scoop or two less and I could have been Polish!"
> 3. Increase your mouth size by 200%.
Applies to women only, so they can accomodate American penises.
> 4. Fail to understand British humour.
"Unexploded Scotsman." Hehehe...I get it now!
> 5. When visiting the U.K. Be sure to say the word "Quaint" as often as you
> can. Us Brits REALLY like that, you know.
Only because you think we really know what it means....
> 6. THERE IS NO NUMBER SIX as a true American would have reached the end of
> their attention span by now!
Know any knock-knock jokes?
> 7. Say "Gee, call that a building? They`re ten times as big back home!"
And the plumbing...Geez!
> 8. Don`t produce a decent marmalade.
What do we need marmalade for? That shit's bad for your teeth! What? You
didn't know?
> 9. Surgically implant a voice-box up your anus. That way, you can talk out
> of your arse, 24-7!
With a British accent.
> 10. Assume that everyone in the UK personally knows your descendants. We
> really do know them all.
You mean ancestors, don't you, moron?
> 11. Have absolutely no idea that we`re all laughing at you. Not behind your
> backs, but to your faces, because none of you know the meaning of the phrase
> "taking the piss".
No, it just disturbs us when you laugh, cuz we can see the stubs of yer
teeth....
> 12. Vietnam was a Police Action Conflict. Not a war. Those of you who
> disagree. Vietnam was a war, and not a Police Action Conflict. Anyway, you
> lost. Get over it.
And yer daddy brought a warbride home from the Falklands. She was a
baaa-aad lay, I hear.
> 13. Call all Brits Limeys, as we all live near the limestone cliffs of
> Dover, you know.
Take a long walk on a short cliffside path
> 14. Offend as many people as you can.
Network!
> 15. Bomb a lot of other countries, but not for financial gain, of course.
Yeah, Serbia was soooo lucrative.....
> 16. Have no gun control whatsoever.
We have lots! of gun control. Most of us can hit the 10-ring eight out of
ten times at 15 yards, rapid-fire.
> 17. Remember to take everything on face value... Style will always be more
> important than content
Your style tells me lots about the content of your cranium....
> 18. Make sure that you can always buy a bigger, more expensive, less
> effective mousetrap and only buy it if its called the super ulitma deluxe
> 3000!
Ulitma...that's hungarian right?
> 19. Always insist on driving a car the size of a small farm and forget the
> concept of corners.. Americans don't use them!
Sorry, our streets didn't all start out as donkey paths.
> 20. To be fully accepted in American society. You must have a problem which
> needs counselling. If you don't, you can always sue somebody!!
Lemme talk to my lawyer about that one....
> 21. Remember that to be a true American, you need to be clinically
> overweight.. its patriotic!
I'm sure if we were stuck eating English food, we'd all be Twiggy
lookalikes.
> 22. Wear as many cameras as your thick necks can carry
It hides the guns.
> 24. Go around telling people you hardly know that you love them
It worked on yer Mum during the war....
> 25. Take a perfectly good language and change the spelling of every word and
> make up phrases that make no grammatical sense
And why isn't that "Wourd?"
> 26. Tell everyone Scottish that Scotland is a very pretty part of England.
No, we'd be asking them all what engineering school they attended.
> 27. Be a total fucking arsehole (or asshole to you American fuckwits).
>
Be all that you can be....
--
Until next time, Adios, Amoebas!
-- Cowboy Blob
Newsgroups: alt.humor, alt.jokes, alt.tasteless.jokes, rec.humor
Date: 2000/07/26
"Mystacy"
news:8ll021$ko9$1@supernews.com...
> HOW TO BECOME AN AMERICAN CITIZEN
>
> 1. Remove a third of your brain.
I'm sorry, sir, we misread your medical chart and removed nine-tenths of
your brain. How do you feel?
"By jove, so you have. Bad form, old man!"
> 2. Lose your sense of irony.
"Jehosaphat! A scoop or two less and I could have been Polish!"
> 3. Increase your mouth size by 200%.
Applies to women only, so they can accomodate American penises.
> 4. Fail to understand British humour.
"Unexploded Scotsman." Hehehe...I get it now!
> 5. When visiting the U.K. Be sure to say the word "Quaint" as often as you
> can. Us Brits REALLY like that, you know.
Only because you think we really know what it means....
> 6. THERE IS NO NUMBER SIX as a true American would have reached the end of
> their attention span by now!
Know any knock-knock jokes?
> 7. Say "Gee, call that a building? They`re ten times as big back home!"
And the plumbing...Geez!
> 8. Don`t produce a decent marmalade.
What do we need marmalade for? That shit's bad for your teeth! What? You
didn't know?
> 9. Surgically implant a voice-box up your anus. That way, you can talk out
> of your arse, 24-7!
With a British accent.
> 10. Assume that everyone in the UK personally knows your descendants. We
> really do know them all.
You mean ancestors, don't you, moron?
> 11. Have absolutely no idea that we`re all laughing at you. Not behind your
> backs, but to your faces, because none of you know the meaning of the phrase
> "taking the piss".
No, it just disturbs us when you laugh, cuz we can see the stubs of yer
teeth....
> 12. Vietnam was a Police Action Conflict. Not a war. Those of you who
> disagree. Vietnam was a war, and not a Police Action Conflict. Anyway, you
> lost. Get over it.
And yer daddy brought a warbride home from the Falklands. She was a
baaa-aad lay, I hear.
> 13. Call all Brits Limeys, as we all live near the limestone cliffs of
> Dover, you know.
Take a long walk on a short cliffside path
> 14. Offend as many people as you can.
Network!
> 15. Bomb a lot of other countries, but not for financial gain, of course.
Yeah, Serbia was soooo lucrative.....
> 16. Have no gun control whatsoever.
We have lots! of gun control. Most of us can hit the 10-ring eight out of
ten times at 15 yards, rapid-fire.
> 17. Remember to take everything on face value... Style will always be more
> important than content
Your style tells me lots about the content of your cranium....
> 18. Make sure that you can always buy a bigger, more expensive, less
> effective mousetrap and only buy it if its called the super ulitma deluxe
> 3000!
Ulitma...that's hungarian right?
> 19. Always insist on driving a car the size of a small farm and forget the
> concept of corners.. Americans don't use them!
Sorry, our streets didn't all start out as donkey paths.
> 20. To be fully accepted in American society. You must have a problem which
> needs counselling. If you don't, you can always sue somebody!!
Lemme talk to my lawyer about that one....
> 21. Remember that to be a true American, you need to be clinically
> overweight.. its patriotic!
I'm sure if we were stuck eating English food, we'd all be Twiggy
lookalikes.
> 22. Wear as many cameras as your thick necks can carry
It hides the guns.
> 24. Go around telling people you hardly know that you love them
It worked on yer Mum during the war....
> 25. Take a perfectly good language and change the spelling of every word and
> make up phrases that make no grammatical sense
And why isn't that "Wourd?"
> 26. Tell everyone Scottish that Scotland is a very pretty part of England.
No, we'd be asking them all what engineering school they attended.
> 27. Be a total fucking arsehole (or asshole to you American fuckwits).
>
Be all that you can be....
--
Until next time, Adios, Amoebas!
-- Cowboy Blob
posted by Cowboy Blob @ 10:06 AM
2 Comments:
At 12:06 PM,
GunGeek said…
My dictionary says that he got #13 wrong- the name Limey came from British sailors using lime juice to prevent scurvy.
At 12:34 PM,
Cowboy Blob said…
Yeah, we all know that, but he's saying we're stupid enough to attribute it to the cliffs.
Post a Comment
<< Home