Cowboy Blob's Saloon and Shootin Gallery

I'm not a real Cowboy, but I play one in the movies.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Who Needs a Life?

Hours and hours (okay -- DAYS) have been sucked out of my life by life/dating simulations. It all started with Alter Ego ...not only did I have to beat the game (of Life), but I had to explore every avenue of failure as well.

I don't remember who first linked Virtually Date Ariane , but that killed a weekend right there. Some of that was spent downloading the 40-something MB Zip file on my super-slow dial-up, but the rest was spent wooing the shapely brunette Ariane...and exploring the HTML game code. Yes, I have some small bit of code know-how. After Ariane, someone linked 0rgasm Grrl, which was kinda lame, but it introduced me to the Newgrounds web site, a show-and-tell-and-BS website for Flash movie and game developers. I can learn something there! I'm a still a rookie as far as Flash and HTML go, but I have enough skills to recognize goodness when I see it. Here are some of my favorite time-wasters and some other notable toys. None of the links are immediately NSFW, but your mileage may vary.

Virtually Date Ariane
You always remember your first Love. Unlike all the other entries, Date Ariane was written in HTML. After a few days of game play, I searched through the files to discover that many of the pics provided in the download never appear in the game. Bonus! Also unlike the other games, Date Ariane takes you as you are; you make or break the date based on your own, it's the only game where you can get laid on the first date! It's the only date you get.
3-D graphics, rated hard R. Hints here, otherwise, G00gle a walk-through)

Most of the sims on Newgrounds follow the same model: build up your stats and memorize factoids to suit your love-target, shower them with gifts, take them on dates, and try to seduce them. A few have some kind of combat or contest element inside to keep things interesting. While some sims leave the "money shot" to your imagination, others would make pr0nhound American Drumslinger (NSFW) blush. Several of the featured sims borrow from the Hentai cartoon genre (Hentai = "pervert" in Japanese)... personally, I'm a fan of the art form as you may already know, though I'm adamantly opposed to the sexualization of real school girls. All cartoon actresses are 18 years or older, honest!

This is a Flash-based game whereby the protagonist tries to seduce a shallow "Ganguro Girl" (a pop devotee over-emulating Japanese pr0n idol Ai Iijima, known for her culturallly unusual bottled tan). The game interface is exceptional once you get over the map zoom feature and you even get to play Pong to impress the girl. The finale is well-animated XXX cartoonage. The Ganguro Girl game concept is derived from another developer's SIMGirl with the major difference being GG is a commercially viable finished product.

The game has romance, sex, violence, car chases, time travellers, a sweeping plot...everything but a real ending. The major dose of deux ex machina diminishes what could have been the best game on the site. My advice: Wait for the developer to finish it... and don't forget to feed the girl locked in your basement!

Twinkle Revue Date (right) borrows graphics from a popular Japanese Hentai series. Instead of fading to black at the bedroom door, the program offers an optional toonXXX ending animated by the developer.

Other Newgrounds games feature Elf girls, Final Fantasy, Legend of Zelda characters. etc. *Yawn* (I could never get the Final Fantasy game to run on my computer. Too bad... I've always thought Yuna's pretty hot! Heh.)

Special mention goes to Lesson of Passion 2, a leap forward from LoP1, an erotic date sim where you pursue your college biology teacher, played by pr0nstar 4ria 6iovanni. LopP2 includes the Penthouse-type photography of the original but added some sideplots allowing the amoral player to pursue a life of crime and dalliance. The dating interface requires you to recall Aria's factoids, operate a balky camera, and use some mouse dexterity to get the forep1ay right (*^*# squirrelly optical mouse!). Not just a're practically starring in your own cheesy pr0n flick!

Kari 3
And now, for something completely different -- Kari 3 is not really a date sim; she's a sim person, someone to talk to who'll talk back. Her Artificial Intelligence is already programmed to talk dirty to you... but you knew that already, didn't you? The program included several scenes ranging from romantic to surreal to major pr0nage. The program included utilities to manipulate Kari's awareness or to build new scenes. You get a 2-day trial period before you're required to register (for $$), but I think I'll pass on this one. I did use some of the images to practice my Flash animating, though.

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  • At 8:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Don't forget to comb the Dorito crumbs out of your beard, although some chicks do like that - as long as you don't get between them and their bucket of ice cream.

  • At 7:49 PM, Blogger BULLSEYE said…

    Thanx for the link CB!


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