Happy Birthday, Jarheads!

There is no fighting force on this Earth that holds my respect more than the United States Marine Corps. That being said...enjoy:

Q: What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 120?

A: A platoon

Q: Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships?

A. Sheep would be too obvious.

Q: What do Marines and submarines have in common?

A: Sailors go down on both of them.

At an Imperial Japanese Naval Infantry outpost in the Solomons, Captain Kawamata reported to his Colonel, "Sir, our reconnaissance plane has spotted what appears to be a US Marine sitting on the beach of an uninhabited islet." He handed his superior a map section and a black-and-white photograph of the Marine. The colonel looked at the ragged, disheveled figure in the photo and ordered, "Send a squad to the island and capture him! We can torture him for information!"

The Captain stamped martially out of the office and ordered a squad to take a boat and capture the American Marine. The squad suitted up, shoved off, and were never heard from again.

The next morning, the Colonel was livid! "You couldn't capture a single Marine!?! Send a platoon this time! And bring him back dead or alive!" The Captain personally gave the platoon leader his orders and saw the landing craft off. It was never seen again.

The next day, the redfaced Colonel had almost unsheathed his katana (Samurai sword) and assualted the Captain. "Kawamata...you will take your whole company, reinforced with Captain Yoshino's company, and you will take that little island, and you will bring me the severed head of that Marine out to the flagship!"

Kawamata smartly saluted and loaded his company into the landing barges.

Colonel Yamashida watched the invasion through his binoculars from bridge of the destroyer. There was gunfire and explosions, gouts of water, sand, and men...when the firing diminished, a pall of gunsmoke obscured the beach. Then, out of the haze swam a lone figure--Captain Kawamata! He was yelling something as he frantically tried to put distance between himself and shore.

"What's he saying?" the Colonel yelled down to the deck hands.

The reply: "Turn back! There's TWO OF THEM!"

From Steven Shiles:
The Marine General went to the doctor for his annual physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex. 'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.' 'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked. 'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.


A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters. But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound. The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allow him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"
The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."
The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions." Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps. The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The Base Commander gives him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.

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Dear Dad,
A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia): A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France. I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface at some point in the near future anyway. I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of faggots for soldiers. I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support was only for show anyway. Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, as evidenced by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around. He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass in front of the entire Multi-National Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman. He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff. With friends like these, who needs enemies?
Tell Mom I love her,
Your loving daughter
(name withheld) Lt. Col., USMC