Candidate Pentathlon

DaGoddess has posted some pretty novel ideas for campaign reform:

In case the pols can't come up with a plan, I've developed one of my own.

Candidates will not be allowed to send out mailers. Nor will there be any ads on television. How will they get their message out? They will be given 30 unedited minutes each on TV. Political infomercials, if you will. They will only be allowed to speak about what they have done and will not be allowed to say a single word about the other candidate(s). About the future, they will present their plans, in writing. They cannot change their plans unless they've submitted them, again, in writing. Clear, detailed plans on their ideas for bringing the city, state, or country up to the standards we expect.

Following that, each candidate will be wired to the nth degree. Like the Truman Show, their every move will be recorded. 24/7. One station will be devoted to split-screen coverage of their actions. No editing. There will be challenges a la Survivor, in which each candidate can demonstrate his or her leadership skills. Jeff Probst and Julie Chen will award points for creativity and ability in solving difficult tasks, like balancing their checkbooks or catching greased pigs in a mud pit - surrounded by Africanized killer bees.

In other rounds, the candidates will take part in challenges called "Trading Places." There will be the city refuse collection phase. Each man or woman will spend a day on the back of a garbage truck. There will be a day spent in a classroom, teaching a classroom full of oversugared remedial ADHD children, and dealing with their parents. The day spent as a nursing assistant in an inner-city hospital (lacking adequate funding) will present each candidate with a true test of their people skills. Each of these tasks tests the candidates' compassion, problem-solving abilities, and patience. Points will be awarded by the people most impacted by the actions of the political participants.

Read the rest.

My own campaign reform would include a pentathlon to measure a candidate's fitness to be commander in chief:

1. Shoot one round of sporting clays, observe all safety rules, and not cringe at the sight or touch of a firearm. Extra points awarded if a high-capacity semi-auto riotgun is used.

2. Sports quiz a la WWII: "Softball" questions every American should know are asked of the candidate as he or she is standing by a bin of baseballs. A row of hanging tractor tires (with multiple choice responses printed on them) faces the candidate 10 yards away. Points awarded for shortest time to complete the quiz, throwing through the tire with the correct response, minus points for throwing like a girl or striking the ground short of any tire.

3. In an obstacle-filled paintball arena, the unarmed candidate is given 10 minutes to devise a lucid plan to lead his ten veteran paintball players to capture the other candidate's flag. Team members must follow the plan to the letter, but are subject to changes shouted by the candidate mid-match. The candidate is immune to elimination by hits, but suffers a point penalty for each hit on his body. If, pre-match, the candidate immediately seeks the advice of the senior team member, a stuffed duck on a rope drops from the ceiling and awards the candidate 50 bonus points. Points awarded for flag capture, surviving team members, and style points under fire.

4. In an oversized wrestling ring are four pairs of foreigners, one pair in each corner, having a heated shouting match at each other in their native tongues. The candidate must guess the language then tag an interpreter standing outside the ring. Candidate must pacify each argument with the help of the interpreters. Shortest time wins, with penalties added for poor style, cultural gaffes, and diplomatic behavior not conducive to the argument.

5. Again with a squad of interpreters, the candidate has a tent containing a Frenchman, a Haitian, an Israeli, a Chinese, an Iranian, and a North Korean. At the start signal, the candidate must assemble a greased pole-climbing team and have them reach the top of the pole erected outside the tent. Shortest time wins, penalties only for dollar value of injuries to team members.

What events do you have in mind?