On the Sleep Thingy

Maybe if I stayed off the sauce for year or two, my sleep patterns would settle into something normal. I'll have to try that sometime. Here's what it's like when I try to sleep stone sober:

Okay, I've read a couple chapters of this book, and now my eyes and mind are getting kinda tired. [Turns off light, closes eyes, relaxes]
Hey, moving pictures! I must be asleep and dreaming! Yeehaw! Let's have some fun!
[Wakes]
Ugh. It's still dark out...that didn't take very long. Let's try that again.
Uh-oh, some invisible fiend has his hands wrapped around my throat! Of course, I know I'm dreaming this...this sucks! Wake up! Uh...c'mon, this is really sucking now! Sh*t, I'm paralyzed. Wake up!
[Wakes]
Still dark. If my clock wasn't blinking some random time, I'd know how long this sh*t was lasting.
[Try again.]
Whoohoo! Dana Delaney in a wet GI T-shirt! My vision is getting darker, darker....[fades to black]
[Wakes]
Damn!
[Close eyes, relax]
Damn, it's still dark out. [Checks stove clock, the only accurate clock in the house]
*&^*(& Three hours.
[Microwaves some instant coffee and launches the dial-up]
Maybe the East Coast bloggers have posted something!

Thus, my day begins.