In Honor of MLK

I posted this to the Usenet newsgroup alt.tasteless.jokes in 2000 (I was only Blob back then; I didn't get the cowboy hat until 2002). The topic paragraph is mostly true. What follows that is crude, tasteless satire...one of my favorite kinds. Just skip this post if you can't take a joke.

The Association of American Bishops has sent to the Vatican in Rome a list
of 200 Americans they believe are 20th Century Martyrs. Conspicuously
heading the list is the late Dr. Martin Luther King, who was not Catholic.
There are those in the Roman Catholic Church who see his inclusion as the
first step toward beatification and, ultimately, canonization as a Saint.
In order for anyone to be considered for this sanctification, a number of
authentic miracles (two) must be attributed to the person, and without
special dispensation cannot be decreed until 50 years have elapsed since the
claimant's death.

A veritable plethora of miracles has sprung from the life and death of the
Martyr, Reverend King. These are being documented by the Bishops for
inclusion in the report to the Pope. These include:

-- The formerly subhuman race of the "American Nigger" has been uplifted to
such full sentience that only few thousands of the original breed are known
to exist. Instead of being restricted to menial, low-paying jobs requiring
a good deal of supervision, American Blacks are now capable of attaining a
higher education and holding high-profile respectable jobs as space shuttle
pilots, statesmen, even Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

-- Black athletes have evolved to such an extent that they can not only
compete in Major League sports, but can even master the "thinking" positions
like NFL quarterback. The bishops had naught to say about their lack of
progress in ice hockey....

-- A Black man slit his Caucasian wife's throat from ear to ear and also
killed an acquaintance of hers in cold blood--and was not immediately strung
up in a tree by a lynch mob. In fact, he was acquitted of the crime.
(Reverend King really went overboard here)

-- A Black woman not only wins the Miss America Pageant, but parlays what
would have been a disgraceful de-crowning into a successful music and film
career. The Bishops have included a copy of the Penthouse spread for the
Holy Father.

-- The Black Mayor of the Nation's Capital goes to jail on drug charges, and
upon his release is re-elected to public office.

The Bishops could have gone on and on, but they really only needed two
miracles. Today we celebrated the birthday of Martin Luther King. In a
decade or so (or sooner if the Pope is feeling jiggy with it) we might be
celebrating the birth of the first Black American Saint. Happy Saint
Marty's Day!

Submitted to the Carnival of Comedy. May the Lord have mercy on my soul.

Update: "Eh?" Bite me!